Last night I was watching Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall do unspeakable things to a bull, and it reminded me of my fantastic idea. A restaurant called Vegetarian Meats. At my restaurant, all the meat dishes will be made from bits of animals I removed without causing their death. A pen of grotesque, limping, cobbled-together animals out the back of the kitchen will help prove to any nervous diners that their lifestyle choice will not be compromised by their delicious repast.
I forsee a pretty exciting and varied menu too, as there are lots of reasons to believe I could shave all manner of bits off before the critters stop moving. Extremities would, of course, be abundant, so I'd have to consult with Hugh about his most delicious recipes for ears, noses, testicles and tails. However, let's face it, it's also well-established that thanks to modern medical science, creatures can survive with missing internal organs or in the face of quite substantial tissue loss. All of my animals would be down to just the one kidney as a matter of course. But there are also all manner of other delicious cogs and wheels inside their juicy bodies that they could do without, I reckon.
Steaks and bacon, too, would be easy. In fact, my way is even better than the orthodoxy, because if you kill a cow to get a steak, the beef is finite. If, though, you just whack a slab off and then dab it with some Savlon, the steak will grow back in time giving you a huge beefy yield. This being the 21st Century, amputees will be afforded every right and dignity presented to the able-bodied. This means I can get two legs from a lamb before I have to get them one of those trolleys with back wheels so they can still get around (probably mostly running away from me, but who knows what they want to do? They will be free range, which is important).
By now, I'm sure you'll be very keen to invest in my idea. I admit that it is very much the future of ethical eating. Those who are serious about getting my plan to fruition are welcome to offer huge sums of money. I'll need a livestock fund, of course. But also important will be grazing land, restaurant premises and a way of insulating the sounds of the animals' screams away from the diners.