Thursday, 23 April 2009

Consolidation - a revolution in farts

As I'm sure you are all aware, whoever smelt it, dealt it. Whoever made the rhyme also committed the crime. However, far from this being a solipsistic post of auto-accusation regarding trumps, I confidently predict that this will be the beginning of a new era for human society. I will probably receive no credit for this, but I will know where the responsibility for this global revolution will lie and sate myself with this knowledge.

Before society collapsed and we all had to resort to trading in bark and pebbles, television was full of adverts for companies who would consolidate all of a person's individual debts into one handy, massive, monthly repayment. These days are now past, but the idea will live on. In your trousers.

The average human being produces about half a litre of gas a day, the internet helpfully informs me. It goes on to add that this is, on average, spaced out into 14 handy-sized farts. Some lucky individuals may achieve thirty or more farts a day, depending on diet, activity level and natural wit. I'm sure the more intelligent amongst you have already guessed where I am going with this, but, here's my idea. Fart consolidation. Every human being in the world will have their daily outgoings pooled into one huge, loud, smelly fart, to be done once a day. Crucially, this will be at the same time every day for everyone.

This will have two major effects. Firstly, hilarity. Imagine the sound and the smell. Once a day, the whole world would trill to the tremulous rumblings of 3 billion litres of bottom air. It would be like living next to an olden day factory when the lunch horn went off. A factory which perhaps dealt solely in the manufacture of egg salads. It would blow snow off high peaks, alter weather patterns and scare the cows. A display of unity from an otherwise disparate world. Far be it from me to suggest that everybody doing one big fart at the same time as each other would help us towards world peace, but, it would.

This theme of togetherness is continued in the second key effect. The fact the whole world tipped their hat at the same time would remove the stigma of the smelly fart. Instead of the laughter, the accusation and the pointing, human beings would instead simply embrace and congratulate one another on the wonderful malodour they had together created in a great stink tapestry.

Obviously, and as with any major social revolution, concessions will have to be made in other areas as life as we currently know it. But when we set out to break down paradigms, that is only to be expected. I fully anticipate that manufacturers of lifts, scented candles and cigarette lighters will do their best to resist these changes, whilst the people who make wallpaper, underpants and pomanders will be rushed off their feet. But this is a step for which humanity is ready. The economic model has proven itself to be too flawed to alone be a blueprint for existence. This humanistic and repugnantly accrid act will be human beings stood side-by-side, reclaiming the world for themselves and gassing half the pigeons. Let us start tomorrow. Hold in your farts. You have nothing to lose but your dignity.

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