Normally I successfully manage to be the exception that proves the rule, as far as "no man being an island" is concerned. But not any more. This year I have become aware that I feel desperately alone.
I think a lot of it is to do with the fact that when I sat down to consider things, I realised that I literally have nothing in my life to look forward to, perhaps for the first time ever. And it scares me to death. Everything around me seems to be getting away and all I can anticipate the future bringing me is pain, loss and heartache.
I can physically feel it pressing down all around me. There's not been a single waking moment of my life for months when I've not been aware of it. All I've been able to truthfully hope for is to be able to suppress it to try and enjoy any more positive moments that come along.
And there have been plenty. My life is not so bad. I love my family and my friends. I'm as sure as I can be that they feel the same way. But even that and all the good it brings can't shake the void away at the moment.
I don't really know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's in the hope getting it out of me will help. Optimistically, it could even be something that I'll be able to look back on with a wry smile in the months or years to come. Maybe it's just something to distract me from thinking.
I'm so lonely that I honestly don't know what to do except try to keep on bio-mechanically chugging on and hope that somehow my soul will catch up with me when it's ready.