About four or five months ago I was completely wretched and I said so here. I'm not going to find the link. I am too lazy for one thing, but also I don't even want to face it. That me is such a malign influence that just to connect with him again would be tempting complete disaster. Nevertheless, I'm glad I did it. In fact, every single thing that I've done since then I'm glad about. Every single decision I have made in the last few months has been the correct one for me. Pleasingly, it's also been baby steps, realistic stuff. Even more pleasingly it's made me sufficiently happy that I can't even bring myself to stare back into that abyss for fear it sucks me back in.
Was it because of that blog post? Did having it there subconsciously give me the kick up the backside that I needed? Well, no. Although it can't be completely written off: nothing exists in a vacuum after all. All I know is that for much of 2011 I've been doing positive things with a previously unseen confidence which has come from somewhere or other. And of course, such things tend to snowball, confidence begets more confidence. Let's hope it continues to do so, not least because I'm starting to enjoy it.
Why didn't I do all of this sooner? Well, that's the obvious question. And it's an ideal backslide sort of question. Anyone starting to just get a grip on things can always be brought back down by contemplating that bad boy. It soon leads to "you idiot", "wasted your life", "pissed away your best years", "too late now" and "rabies".
Wise people will always tell you that it's wrong to have regrets. But as I always said, I've got millions of them. Or I used to. In the last few weeks I've started to realise why wise people are wise people and I am a fucking idiot.
Because this is it. There's no going back. What's done is done. The likelihood is, if you're saying "why didn't I do this sooner?", it means you've now done it, initiated it and are reaping its rewards. Anything with that kind of fecundity is too good a thing to produce any negative emotions or personal crisis. Because there you are, or here you are, with this particular moment. All the previous moments have led you here and there you are with a smile on your face. So piss off with your "why didn't I do this sooner?". How about "I'm glad I did that"?
My brain is wired towards such pessimism, I suppose. But at least the self-defeating pessimism seems to have finally been beaten out of it. Or, just as likely, the responsible brain cells have now died off as my body slowly shuts down to its inevitable, senile, incontinent and unglamorous demise. Either way, don't care.
I am a better person today than I was 12 months ago. Or 12 weeks ago. Or 12 hours ago. And the person who I was 12 years ago doesn't even get a look-in. Even the person I was when I started to write this blog post was a hapless cunt. But without any of them I couldn't be here now.
Personally I blame Choose Your Own Adventure books. Those bloody things gave generations of children unrealistically lofty goals. It's enough to just be you.