Hello. Regular readers of this shit will no doubt be aware that I am pretty much completely dead inside, devoid of any of the normal human emotions or sentiment. However, even this doesn't mean I'm completely past enjoying Christmas songs. That's right. Think on that one.
Here are some Christmas songs which, if you don't like them, you can rest assured that you're even more twisted, shrunken and dried up inside than me. In which case I sincerely advise that some sort of therapy could be useful in the new year.
Be warned. There are very few trendy or left-field suggestions here. I'm not even being meta. Or meta-meta. Christmas is fundamentally a time for chintzy, shiny rubbish to make up for the general lack of daylight. I make no apologies. Well, some apologies.
I hope you all have a happy Christmas.
Darlene Love - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
This is my favourite track from the Phil Spector Christmas album A Christmas Gift for You. My overall enthusiasm for this album is very much under control. I dislike Phil Spector's production, his Wall of Sound - whilst pioneering - was so much more aggressive and unpleasant than Brian Wilson's that I believe Pet Sounds by The Beach Boys is a more festive-sounding record, even though it has nothing to do with the season. Phil Spector having been continually proven to be more aggressive and unpleasant a human being than Brian Wilson this isn't a particularly big surprise.
I love this record, though. The smack-you-round-the head-until-it-bleeds stridency of the production, the content of the song and the vocal performance all come together beautifully.
Wizzard - I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day
There's no doubting that we all disagree with the title of this song. However, it's increasingly as traditional as roast turkey and profound emotional pain to the whole affair. And yes, it's annoying and twee and shit, but that's Christmas all over.
Slade - Merry Christmas Everybody
This song is brilliant. You know it. I know it. There's no point in hiding from it any more. Just bloody accept it so we can all move on with our lives. I don't want Christmas songs to be dark, or different, or have a message or a story to tell. This song is absolutely the best example of its kind. Fact.
Shakin' Stevens - Merry Christmas Everyone
Herein lies the all-time greatest cultural achievement of the Welsh nation. Probably the last great Christmas pop record ever made. No wonder the world's gone to the dogs, it was 26 years ago.