On Thursday (you must remember it, surely?) I wrote about portmanteau horror films and assembled my ultimate portmanteau film from my five favourite stories. Today, I get even more creative and tell you about my dream portmanteau horror film and everything that it would (will) contain. Don't think you are safe from me actually writing this, because you're probably not (you probably are).
FILM TITLE: Barn of Nightmares
FRAMING SEQUENCE: five people interested in buying a barn descend on the property at the time appointed by their barn agent. Whilst they're waiting for the barn agent to arrive, they tell each other about the dream they had last night.
STORY ONE: Very Safe Sex
A man who is down on his luck with women meets a mysterious hooded stranger in a pub. The stranger sells him an enchanted packet of three. The prophylactics make him irresistible to women. But when he puts on the first condom, it makes his willy fall off into the Thames where it is eaten by a cod who immediately becomes irresistible to women. Vengeful, he starts to chain-eat fish and chips, laughing maniacally, until one day he chokes to death on a condom in one of his battered cods. His corpse immediately becomes irresistible to women.
STORY TWO: Head in the Sand
A family's pet ostrich discovers a portal in time and space in the attic floor. When the ostrich puts its head into the hole, it finds itself in Revolutionary Paris, 1790. Guillotined on suspicion of being bourgeois, the headless ostrich destroys the family home and all the family members one by one, believing them to be Cardinal Richelieu.
STORY THREE: Laughter in the Basement
A woman who buys her first house in the countryside find the entire cast of an unsuccessful 1970s situation comedy continuing to live out their lives in character, complete with a studio audience, in her basement. Slowly she gets involved in the plotline, as the comedy slowly morphs into a gritty Scottish detective drama with horrific consequences.
STORY FOUR: Jackdaw the Ripper
A husband and wife inherit a fortune from a long-lost great uncle's will, on the condition they look after his pet jackdaw until it dies. A spate of gruesome murders in the village, however - coupled with family tree research revealing that the great uncle was one of the key police suspects in the Jack the Ripper case - make the couple believe that the jackdaw is responsible. They set out to stop him.
STORY FIVE: Fucking Awful Garage
A man opens his garage and it's full of zombies and werewolves and Draculas and all that.
TWIST ENDING: The barn wasn't actually for sale. When they look down, the agent has stolen all their trousers.