Wednesday, 25 July 2012

Common sense prevails

Why are there 26 letters in the English alphabet? It doesn't make a bit of sense. Twenty-six? Was that Henry VIII's lucky number or something? Even in the dark days of the imperial measures era there was nothing to rival the lunacy of basing anything on a base-26 system. Now, I'm from Sussex, which means that I have five digits on each hand. I am assured by my health visitor that this is the conventional number. This is why human beings tend towards counting in base-five and base-ten. Because you've always got those hands handy, you see.

So, we need to get rid of one letter, don't we? And I think that we all know which one it will have to be.

nemesis


Sorry, H, but it's time. We've had our fun, not least in your sneaky silent useage in words like "white". But you are no longer sustainable. Cockneys don't pronounce you anyway, for one thing. But it's the merciless plague of people who pronounce you as "haitch" that did for you in the end.

Nothing in this whole world angers me like people who say "H" as "haitch". Not even the Olocaust. If you do it, you are shit thick and pig ignorant and I hate you and hope you will soon die in screaming, torturous, agonies. How did it even happen? The first person I ever knew who did it was a girl in my class at primary school. Oh, we all just treated it as an oddity. How little did we realise that she was ground zero. The carrier. What we should have done is killed her stone dead there and then. She'll be 31 years old now. Thirty-one years old and from Woodingdean? You'll be able to count her progeny on the fingers of three hands. There's little hope now for our gene pool. It's probably time for humanity to start again on a new planet.

Fucking "haitch".

1 comment:

mollbird said...

Just to go some way to assuage your guilt over having not culled the carrier of the Haitch Virus way back when, I can confirm that she was not the first case. I am aware of a 40 year old woman from Leeds who does the same. We can safely blame a previous generation while continuing to loath the nightmare they have left us with.

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